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U. S. Engraving AVorks, 24 Vl-si'V St. 






TMP96-006773 



Copyrighted by A. J. Fisher, 24 Vesey street, New York, 1879. 

Awful Girls; or. Big Results. 

COMEDY FARCE, IN ONE ACT. 

BY SAUL SERTREW. 

CHARACTERS. 

Alexander Podger, A Wealthy Taxidermist 

Maria Podger, A Modern Wife 

Angeline Podger, ) .. rri. * r 1 ^- i ». 

Miranda Podger, f The Awful Girls 

Captain Archibald Primrose, . . of the Royal Guards 
Professor Hurricane Puffer, . . of the Darwin School 
Augustus Spindle, . A wealthy young gent, of the period 
Cato Snowflake, A Colored Servant 

COSTUMES. 

Alexander PoDGER—Short gray wig, brown coat and trowsers. 
Maria Podger — Powdered wig, and dress of the latest style. 
Angeline Podger — Blonde wig, and dress of the latest style. 
Miranda Podger — Red wig, short dress, and striped stockings. 
Captain Primrose — Blonde wig and mustache, scarlet military coat, 

and blue trowsers. 
Augustus Spindle — Blonde wig and mustache, check coat, and blue 

trowsers. 
Professor Puffer— Red wig, brown coat, white cravat, gray trowsers. 
Cato Snowflake — Light blue coat, red vest, striped shirt, high standing 

collar, and check trowsers. 

SCENE — A draunng room^ nicely furnished. Large door C. 
open, showing a library. Door L. id E. Door R. id E. 
Lounge R. C. D. Mirror L. C. D. Table and three chairs 
L. id E. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Podger, C. D., making 
gestures as if at variance. Both come forward. 

Mrs. Podger — Alexander, I can't bear up with it any 
longer. I have tried my best. Our daughters Angeline and 
Miranda have grown up to be women, and it's high time 
something should be done and settled upon for their future 
welfare. It's been the height of my ambition to have them 
well educated, see them move in refined society, show their 
mother's training, and have them marry to good advantage ; 



and you look upon it all in a calm, unconcerned manner, and 
leave everything for me to do. 

PODGER — Well, my dear Maria, what can I do about it? 
I have allowed you everything you wanted, spared no expense 
to educate our daughters and make sensible women of them. 
You have had your own way, and I have never interfered 
with any of your plans. You have instilled all the high- 
fangled notions of a fashionable and refined lady into our 
daughter Angeline, and how it is that you have not succeeded 
in the same way with our daughter Miranda I am at a loss to 
know ; and, furthermore, I can't see what I can do about it. 

Mrs. Podger— You can do a great deal, Alexander. Share 
the responsibility. Take our daughter Miranda under youi 
charge. May be a father's care will make a change in her. 
Try and secure a proper husband for her, and see that she is 
married to a good advantage, and I will do likewise with our 
daughter Angeline. 

Podger — Mrs. Maria Podger ! Am I to be made a woman 
tamer at my time of life ? after passing through that ordeal in 
matrimony called husband, complied with and fulfilled all the 
duties required of a person in that interesting position, and 
now to be made a trainer of female discipline — me, Alexander 
Podger, practical theological bird and animal stuffer, and the 
•greatest taxidermist in the country ? No, Maria, I respect- 
fully decline the nomination to that office. 

Mrs. Podger (vexed)— Alexander Podger, you forget, sir, 
the duties of a husband ! When we were married you prom- 
ised to sacrifice everything for me, give up all for my happy- 
n ss, and now, when I ask your assistance in helping me to 
bring up your child in the way she should go, you try to 
sneak o-, t of it. and show a cloven foot. Is there anything 
manly in that, sir? No father of my children should be 
guilty of such gross negligence to his marital vows. 

Podger— I am astonished at you, I don't understand you, 
and I cannot listen to you any longer, I have matters of too 



3 

much importance on hand to waste my time here. I should 
have beeki to my business long before this ; (going off) and as 
for mixing me up with your household duties and trying to 
make a woman out of me, I must say, Mrs. Podger, that is 
something I cannot stand, and what is more., I won't ! 

Mrs Podger — Very well, sir ; I have but one course to 
pursue. 

Podger — Yes, I suppose you will be applying for a divorce 
or absolute separation. 

Mrs. Podger — Not in the least, sir ! On the contrary, I 
shall insist on your taking Miranda under your charge, and 
hold you responsible for her future conduct and welfare, and 
that you secure for her a suitable husband, 

Podger — Very good, madam. We shall see ; we shall see. 

[Exit both opposite sides. 
(Voice of Miranda heard outside — Good by, Harry ; au 
revoir ! Skip the gutter ! Tra la la !) 

Enter Miranda muffled in furs; busies herself in taking 
off her things tuhile she ij, talking; throivs the furs on a 
chair and comes forward. 

Miranda — I've been out skating on the big pond, and oh, 
I've had such a jolly good time ; (slides over the carpet as if 
skating) and I only had one iall, that was just because an- 
other gal bumped up against me, and we both came down 
" ker-flop " — ^just like two eggs. Oh, it was such jolly fun ! 
Augh ! my hands are just as cold as icicles. (Slaps hands to 
and fro against her shoulder.) I expect ma will give me a 
terrible scolding. She says it's awful to go out skating ; but 
I don't see any harm in it ; and ma is getting dreadful cross 
lately. If I talk she scolds, if I sing she scolds, if I dance 
she scolds, and if any company comes she either drives me to 
my room or makes me put on airs and walk like a kangaroo, 
something after this style, (imitates a ridiculous walk) and I 
must bow and strut about like a peacock. Now that may be 
all very nice for some folks, but I like the old-fashioned style 
the best — I like to walk as I please. If my shoe pinches me 



I walk lame, if I've got a cold in my head I like to sneeze 

and if I w^ant to go a skating I like to skate. Yes, if there i: 

anything I do love, it is "Skating on the Big Pond." (Sing; 

song of that title.) 

Air : " Crossins on the Ferry." 

Chorus. 

Skating on the big pond, 

MeiTily we go ; 
Sailing like a sea gull, 
Happy as a crow. 

[Waltzes about, and Exit. 
Enter Mrs, Podger and her daughter Angeline. 
Angeline (languidly) — Dreadful fatiguing, ma, to drive out 
and meet with so many friends of fashionable society. 

Mrs. Podger — Yes, my daughter, but we must endure 
those inclemencies ; it never does to give way to our feelings 
in presence of society, and when we are at home we can re- 
lieve ourselves of all uncomfortable impercunities and im- 
practacabilities. 

Angeline — What a lovely dress and diamonds Miss Dash- 
ington was adorned with ! 

Mrs. Podger. — Perfectly exquisite ! The acme of fashion 
and modern refinement. 

Angeline — Ma, can I have a glass of water? I am so 
precipitated with thirst I can scarcely control the inclination 
of suddenly becoming unconscious. 

Mrs. Podger — My daughter, your uncontrollable inclina- 
tion shall be alleviated. (Rings bell. Enter Cato.) Cato, 
perambulate as speedily as possible and coagitate the Croton 
valve, and usher in the presence of Miss Angeline a tankard 
of water for her immediate consumption. (Exit Cato, and 
returns with goblet of water, and disappears.) We are going 
to have two gentlemen from London to dine with us, dis- 
tinguished guests. And now, my daughter, here will be a 
splendid opportunity for you to display your accomplishments 



and refined education. Yes, you must do your utmost lo be 
entertaining — dance, play the piano, and sing to the best of 
your ability. Let me see, what is your latest and best selec- 
tion of music ? 

Angeline — "Coming thro' the Rye," that is the latest 
song out. (Sings the song, or any other specialty.) 
Enter Cato. 

Cato — Beg pardon, ladies, but Mr. Podger and the two 
gentlemen from London have arrived. 

Mrs. Podger — Come, my daughter, we must away at once 
and prepare ourselves to meet these ambassadors of distinction 
and refinement, or we shall become precipitated in an abyss 
ofunmitigated disgrace and enveloped in a tornado of your 
father's vexations. [Exit hurriedly. 

Cato — Goodness gracious, honey ! De folks here are get- 
ting so high-toned an' elegant dey don't give themselves a 
chance to catch their breath. Bless me ! the coagitation of 
my palpitating heart prevails on me to vacate the aforesaid 
apartments. Not a moment am to be lost, or dis nigger will 
become confiscated with disgrace. [Exit. 

Enter D. C. Captain Primrose and Professor Puffer. 

Puffer — Now, Archibald, you must put your best foot for- 
ward and try your utmost to be entertaining and show your 
splendid accomplishments. Recollect your father has bought 
you a captain's commission, and has left you solely under my 
charge, and expects me to show you up and introduce you 
into society where you can display the tactics of a thorough- 
bred gentleman. I have letters of introduction to several dis- 
tinguished persons, and this Mr. Podger is a very particular 
friend of your father's, whom he knew in London some years 
ago, and he is a very desirable acquaintance to make. I am 
told he is very wealthy, and the father of two beautiful and 
accomplished daughters. So now you will soon have a chance 
to immortalize yoursell, and no doubt meet with "big results," 
big results, my boy. Always take my advice, and you will 



meet with " big results." (Aside — Yes, and if I can only marry 
this youngster off to a good advantage, I shall also meet with 
"big results," in the shape of a thousand pounds from his 
father.) 

Captain— Well, Professor, how do you think I look? 
How do -you like my style and this new uniform ? (Struts 
about awkwardly.) Do you think I will make a favorable 
impression among the ladies ? You are my tutor, you know, 
and I have to consult your opinion and advice. 

Puffer — Splendid, my boy, splendid ; only tiy and drop 
that awkward style of walking ; it don't become you at all ; 
too much country about it ; won't take in the city ; try and 
im])rove on it— someJiing after this style — (imitates a dignified 
style of walking) ; that's the style, you know, and it always 
meets with "big results." 

Captain (imitates him)— Professor, I admire your style, 
but I am afraid you will have to put me in harness before I 
can accomplish the perambulation perfect. 

Puffer— Nonsense, my boy. It's just as easy as taking a 
sherry cobbler. All you have to do is to fancy that you are 
the Czar of Russia or Kaiser William, and hold your head up 
with dignity and pride and march off as if every step you took 
was worth a thousand dollars, and you will meet with "big 
results," big results, my boy. 

Captain— Yes, but I much prefer the old-fashioned way in 
society, something natural and original ; none of these fixe 1 
and stereotyped manners. I like the open-hearted sociability 
—that's the style for me. But as you say I am under your 
charge, and my father holds you responsible for my conduct, 
I suppose I must obey or receive the displeasure of my fatlier. 
So, Professor, I will endeavor to do the best I can, and if I 
make any mistakes or blunders you will try and help me out. 

Puffer— Certainly, my dear boy, no fear of that. Just 
consult me and follow my advice in everything you do, and 
you are sure to meet with big results. (Aside— And what is 



more, it is nighly necessary tliat he should, f.:r if I fail in m^, 
plans I shall lose the thousand pounds promised by his father. 
And I must marry him off as quick as possible, and to the 
best advantage.) Ah, here comes Mr. Podger. Now, Archi- 
bald, brace up and put your best foot forward. 

Enter Podger. 

Podger — Come, gentlemen, be seated, and have a fresh 
cigar and a glass of wine. I am anxious to have a chat with 
you and hear about my old friend Primrose. (They all take 
chairs and sit at table, Podger puts his hat on the table and 
rings the bell. Cato enters with bottle of wine, glasses, and 
cigars, places them on the table, and exits.) 

Podger (pours out wine) — There, gentlemen, is some rare 
old Madeira of '40. (All drink Podger's health, light cigars 
and smoke. Podger places his feet upon the table, and lays 
back in his chair enjoying and puffing on his cigar.) Now, 
gentlemen, if you will just make yourselves at home, you will 
greatly oblige me ; there are no pretensions about me ; Pm 
an old-fashioned fellow, and go in for solid comfort. 

Captain — You're just my style of a man, exactly Mr. 
Podger, and I know I shall like you very mucli. You're a 
perfect "brick." 

Puffer (aside to Captain — Don't forget yourself, Archibald. 
Remember you come from an aristocratic family, and you 
must show your good breeding and refined accomplishments 
in the style and pomp that belongs to your native country.) 

Captain (aside — That's all very well. Professor, but I be- 
lieve in leaving behind you what belongs to another country 
when you enter a strange one, and try and conform to the 
habits and customs of the people whose hospitalities are ex- 
tended to you, if you want to be happy.) 

Podger (Pours out wine) — Gentlemen, have another glass 
of wine. (All drink). 

Captain — By jove, Podger, you are just like your wine; 
you exhilarate and fill a fellow full ol happiness. 



Puffer — Well, Podger, my dear friend, 1 am delighced to 
have made your acquaintance, and I think you are just the 
splendid fellow that your old friend Primrose represented, and 
he is the man to judge the qualities of a thoroughbred gentle- 
man. He spoke very highly of you. By the bye, Podger, I 
think he told me you were a taxidermist ? 

Podger — Yes, sir ; that's my profession. I'm a practical 
theological bird and animal stuffer, or what some people call 
a taxidermist. 

Puffer — Yes, that's what your old friend Primrose in- 
formed me, and said you was the very man who could render 
me a veiy great service in my brilliant and instructive theory 
on the great Darwinian question of whether a man was a 
monkey or an animal of a higher and more intelligent 
species. 

Podger (surprised) — Whether a man is a monkey or some- 
thing else? Well, I must admit that I have lately discovered 
that there are some people abroad that are not unlike mon- 
keys in many ways. But, confound it, professor, you don't 
mean to say that you are a monkey, and I am a monkey, and 
everybody else is a monkey, do you ? 

Puffer — Exactly so. The fact is, Podger, I have an idea 
that promises "big results," big results. I have written a pre- 
ponderous work on the Darwinian theory, illustrating valu- 
able and instructive information, and proving the fact that the 
human being first originated from the monkey, and that a 
man is nothing more than a monkey of a higher minded and 
more refined species. 

Podger — Yes ; but, professor, monkeys have tails, and I'm 
sure we don't possess the aforesaid equilibrium. 

Puffer — For the simple reason that when we were babies 
we were spanked so often that the aforesaid member of the 
family never had a chance to put in an appearance ; and 
thereby hangs a tail^ which I intend to unfold, and publish 
the details, and retail it at the nominal price of twenty-five 
cents each. 



PoDGER — Hang it, professor ; if my m ifc was to hear you 
say that I sprung from a monkey, she would make your head 
look like a billiard ball, and — here she (jomes. (All rise ; Pod- 
ger places his hat on the chair beside him.) 

Enter Mrs. Podger, Angeline and Miranda. 

PoDGER — Gentlemen, my wife and daughters. (Captain 
and Puffer bow.) Captain Primrose, my daughter Angeline. 
Professor Puffer, my daughter Angeline. (Captain, in bowing 
backs up against the chair and sits on Podger's hat, and apolo- 
gizes.) Captain Primrose, my daughter Miranda. Professor 
Puffer, my daughter Miranda. (Miranda, in bowing to the 
Captain, backs up and treads on Puffer's corn. Puffer winces 
and hops about holding his foot. Podger takes Mrs. Podger, 
Captain takes Angeline, and Puffer Miranda. All follow Mr. 
and Mrs. Podger, and Exit C. D.) 

Enter Miranda, C. D., shtging. 
I wouldn't be a nun, I'd rather have my fun, 
And dance and sing and always happy be ; 
I wouldn't pine and sigh, I'd do my best to try 
To make you laugh and fill your hearts with glee. 

Well, I've been introduced to a real gentleman of eddica- 
tion and refinement — yes, two of them ; and I've fell in love 
with the one they calls the Captain. He's got such an honest 
and good-natured face, I don't think he likes to put on airs, 
and he wouldn't if it wasn't for the other fellow they call 
Professor. Now if you could only have heard the high-toned 
language that was perpetrated by my sister Angy — oh, it was 
enough to make a cat sick. Well, I suppose it was all right, 
but I can't swallow it ; it don't go down with me. Now when 
I'm introduced to anybody, I like to give them a hearty wel- 
come, a hearty shake of the hand, and say, ' How do you do? 
I'm glad to see you. How is your grandmother? Do you 
ever go a skating? ride a horse? shoot a bird on the wing, or 
sing or dance?" Yes, that's my style, that's the kind of gal I 
am. (Music plays and she dances a jig ) 



10 



Enter Captain Primrose, C. D. Stops suddenly and admires 

Miranda dancing; makes gestures of delight; runs in 

and dances with her; she screams and runs off L. id E. 

Captain — There, I've frightened her away, and she's gone ! 

Now that's the style of a female I admire, and I've fallen in 

love with her. (Sings.) 

Of all the lovely maidens 

She's the one that I prefer — 
I think that she was born for me 
And I was born for her ! 
Well, I've gone through the preliminaries of my first intro- 
duction, and I must say I have enjoyed myself very much. 
My guardian Puffer, though, was somewhat vexed at my bash- 
fulness and awkward maneuvres ; but I expect to get over the 
affliction very soon and meet with "big results." And now I 
must be off, find Puffer, and report for further orders. 

[Exit L. 2d E. 
Enter Adolphus Spindle, limping. 
Spindle — Ah, I wonder who that fellow can be ; he is very 
rude and boisterous (feels of his foot). By Jove ! he has 
crushed my favorite corn ! I shall not be able to dance for a 
week. Now, I've come down to spend the evening with 
Misses Angeline and Miranda ; but of the two I don't know 
which I love the best. Now there's Angeline, she is a dear, 
delightful creature, and I could love her so much ! And 
there's Miranda, she is as jolly and as light-hearted as a sing- 
ing bird ; but I would like her much better if she wasn't so 
boisterous. However, her mother says she will get over that 
weakness after she is married. Ah, I hear the ladies coming 
this way ; I will go and meet them. (Looks off C. D.) [Exit, 
-ffw/^r Angeline aw^ Captain ; they promenade. 
Angeline— What a delightful place Paris must be ; I've 
heard so much about it. I long to visit it and mingle with its 
beauties and fashionable extravagance. 

Captain — Yes, I had a glorious time in Paris, perfectly 
immense ; in fact, it was hugeous. 



11 



Angeline (aside) — What horrible language ? 

Captain (aside) — I can't endure her much longer. She has 
bored me to death with all kinds of silly questions, and she's 
a perfect encyclopedia of insipidness. 

Enter MiRANDA and Spindle. They promenade opposite the 
other couple. 

Spindle — This is perfectly delicious, Miranda. It is pre- 
eminent above all imagination, I assure you. 

Miranda (aside) — He is the worst specimen of nonsense 
and gab that I ever listened to, but I must endure him to 
please ma. 

(Music plays a galop or waltz. The Captain and Angeline 
waltz about, followed by Spindle and Miranda. The Captain 
suddenly stumbles and falls sprawling on the floor. Miranda 
trips and falls into a chair. Angeline runs to Spindle, and 
they both waltz off. The Captain jumps up and seizes 
Miranda, and both waltz about very comical and galop off, 
knocking Mr. Puffer down as he enters D. C, followed by 
Mrs. Podger.) 

Mrs. Podger (aside) — Oh, dear me, this is dreadful ! What 
shall I do with those awful girls? They will drive me to dis- 
traction. Their conduct is disgraceful. Such impropriety, 
such awkwardness, after all my trouble and expense to educate 
and make something out of them ! It has all amounted to 
nothing ; they are perfect idiots ! 

Puffer (aside, and looking off R. C, D. — Confound that 
stupid fellow ! After all my endeavors to teach him how to 
conduct himself, it seems he will never improve. He is as 
stupid and clumsy as an elephant.) I hope you will excuse 
this awkwardness of the Captain. He is so happy when he 
is among the ladies. His attention is solely directed to them. 

Mrs. Podger — I think the Captain is a very nice young 
man. 

Puffer (aside) — So do I, when he is asleep ! 

Mrs. Podger — I am highly pleased with his appearance 
and deportment. 



/ 



12 



Puffer (aside) — That is more than I can say for him. I 
think he is the greatest clown I ever saw, and I'm afraid if I 
don't marry him off very soon I will lose the thousand pounds 
promised by his father. 

Mrs. Podger — Yes, I think he is a very estimable young 
man, and I have noticed he has become quite attached to my 
daughter Angelina. How pleasant it is to see two young 
persons of their distinction and refinement so amicably pleased 
with each other ! By the bye. Professor, I understand your 
visit here is connected with a splendid theory you are about 
to introduce on the Darwin question ? 

Puffer — Yes, madam. I have written a stupendous worlc 
on the Darwin question which I am about to present to the 
public, and I anticipate " flattering i-esults." 

Mrs. Podger — I hope it will meet with success, and rather 
than see a work of sound merit become lost I would feel dis- 
posed to contribute means to facilitate its progress and success. 
I have spent considerable money in advancing my daughter 
Angeline in her literary works. And the Captain no doubt 
would be delighted to hear of your success in your stupendous 
work ? By the bye, Professor, in the event of the Captain 
and my daughter Angeline ever making a match, I would feel 
so happy that I should place at your disposal £500 towards 
advancing the progress of your wonderful book. (Both going 
off.) 

Puffer (elated) — Really, Mrs, Podger, it is very kind of 
you to take such an interest in the progress of my stupendous 
work, and I shall appreciate it very much. And as for the 
Captain and your daughter Angeline, I shall use my best 
efforts to encourage and secure their union in marriage. 

Mrs. Podger — In that event, Professor, you will find £500 
at your disposal to advance the progress of your stupendous 
work. (Aside — Yes, my daughter Angeline must and shall 
marry the Captain.) [Both exit C. D., as 

Enter unobserved, Angeline. who has overheard the remark. 



13 

Angeline (mysteriously) — What is that I heard my mother 
say? I must and shall marry Captain Primrose ! Oh, no, no ! 
She cannot mean that ! There must be some mistake ! I 
never could marry Captain Primrose ! I do not love him ! I 
could not love him ! No ; rather than marry him I would 
hurl myself from a precipice ! (Excited.) I would plunge 
into the turbulent waters of the Atlantic Ocean ! (Walks 
about rapidly, pushes table and chairs.) I would jump from 
a seven-story window ! Yes, I will run and jump out of 
a window ! (Rushes toward the door C, and runs info the 
arms of Spindle, who has just entered door C.) 

Spindle (amazed) — Why, my darling Angeline, what is the 
matter? What has excited you and made you look so fright- 
ened? 

Angeline (breaking away) — Oh, I'm lost ! I'm ruined ! 
My dream of love is o'er ! My peace and happiness of this 
life is destroyed ! I have nothing more to live for, and I 
want to die ! 

Spindle — Goodness, gracious ! what is the meaning of all 
this ? What misfortune or terrible calamity has befallen you ? 
Tell me, my dear Angeline, what is the matter ? (He trias to 
comfort her.) 

Angeline — I have just learned the horrible truth that I 
am to be married to that monster of a man, Captain Primrose, 
whom I hate and despise 

y Spindle (alarmed) — Impossible ! No, no ; I cannot think 
of it for a moment ! It must not be ! It shall not be ! I 
love you better than my life, and will not part with you ! 

Angeline — But I've heard it from my mother's own lips» 
and her word is law. Nothing can be done to save me. I 
am now doomed to everlasting torture and nrtisery, and my 
dream of love is o'er, (Weeps.) 

Spindle — Oh, my adored Angeline, say not so ! I love 
thee ! Consent to be mine ! I would be one of the happiest 
mortals in existence ' 



14 



ANGELliNfe — But ma would prefer that you racirry wj .{.AQt 
Miranda, aud for me to marry the Captain. 

Spindle — But the Captain does not love you as I do, and 
he is infatuated with your sister Miranda ! Oh, consent to be 
mine, my dear Angeline ! Come and fly with me, and your 
life shall be one turmoil of love and joy ! 

Angeline — No ! My fate is sealed ! Though I love you 
with all my heart, we must part ! I am lost to you forever ! 

Spindle (rising) — No ; it must not he ! I cannot live with- 
out you ! I will go and find this Captain, and beg of him not 
to consent to this cruel marriage ; and if he will not listen to 
my pleadings, I shall resort to other means. (Aside — Yes, I 
will challenge him to mortal combat.) [Exit in haste, D. L. 

Angeline (in despair) — Oh, what shall I do? I could 

never marry this Captain ! I could never be happy with him, 

and if I am forced to marry him, I shall go mad ! mad ! (going 

oft) mad ! [Exit D. R. 

Enter Puffer and Podger, D. C. 

Puffer — My dear friend Podger, I appreciate your kind- 
ness in taking such an interest in the progress of my great 
work, and I shall give this matter my due consideration, and 
consult with the Captain, and if my efforts to encourage the 
marriage of the Captain with your daughter Miranda meets 
with success, I shall be only too happy to inform you of the 
result. 

Podger (going off with Puffer)— All right, my dear Puffer, 
and in the event of a marriage between my daughter Miranda 
and the Captain, five hundred pounds will be at your dis- 
posal. (Aside — And in the event of a failure, my daughter 
shall marry the next best catch, Mr. Adolphus Spindle. Yes, 
I must relieve myself of this matrimonial responsibility. If 
I fail with the Captain, Miranda must and shall marry Adol- 
phus Spindle.) [Exit both D. L. 
Enter, tinobserved, D. C, Miranda. 

Miranda rvvho overheard the rem_ark) — What is that I 



IB)' 



heard my father say? I must and shall marry Adolphus 
Spindle.' No! no! It cannot be! There must be some 
mistake ; yet I heard the words from his own lips as he passed 
the door ! Oh, if such is the case, if it should be true that I 
am to marry this Adolphus Spindle, a man whom I do not 
love, or never could, I should be miserable for life ! (In des- 
pair.) No ! no ! it must not be ! It shall not be ! Rather 
than marry him I would poison myself ! (Walks up and 
down rapidly, overturning chairs and table). I would plunge 
over Niagara Falls ! I would hurl myself from the point of 
some high cliff to be dashed to pieces on the rocks below ! 
T would crush my head against a stone wall ! Yes, I will 
knock my brains out this very instant ! (Rushes toward the 
door in C, and runs into the " arms of the Captain as he 
enters.) 

Captain (amazed) — Why, my dear Miranda, what has 
frightened you ? What is the matter? (Tries to comfort her.) 

Miranda (weeping) — Oh, I am most wretched and miser- 
able ! I am lost, ruined ! I am doomed to live a life of tor- 
ture and miseiy, and I wish I was dead, dead, bows her head 
in grief) dead ! 

Captain (horrified) — Oh, tell me, my dear Miranda, what 
is the matter? What is the meaning of these terrible words 
you have just uttered ? Let me know all, and I will save you 
or perish in the attempt ! 

Miranda — I have just learned the terrible truth that I am 
doomed to marry a man I do not love, nor never could ! Yes, 
I have just learned from the lips of my own father that I must 
and shall marry — (interrupted by the Captain) 

Captain (excited) — Who ? 

Miranda — Adolphus Spindle ! 

Captain (angry) — Never ! never I I would be shot from 
a cannon ; I'd brave a thousand Modocs ; I'll throw myself 
on a railroad track ; I'll do anything to prevent it ! No, he 
never shall be your husband ! I love and adore you better 



16 

than life, and I would be most miserable witnoiit 3'ou. Oh, 
my dear Miranda, say that you will be mine, and we will fly 
at once to some beautiful isle where naught but birds and 
flowers abide, and our life shall be one eternal bliss of love, 
and your sweet smile shall be the sunlight of my heart ! 

Miranda — Oh, I love you dearly, and with all my heart, 
but I dare not disobey my father. No, we must part, and 
never see each other again ! 

Captain — No, no ; say not so ! I will go and find this 
Spindle at once. I Avill declare my adoration and love for 
you, and if he will not listen to my appeal, and persists in this 
cruel marriage, I shall resort to other means. I will challenge 
him to mortal combat, and my sword shall relieve you of this 
terrible barrier that now threatens to make us both miserable 
for life ! [Exit quickly D. C. 

Miranda (going off) — Oh, this is terrible ! I am most 
miserable and wretched ' I wish I was dead, dead, dead ! 

[Exit D. R. 
Enter, D, C, Puffer, in high glee. 

Puffer — Ah, everything goes on swimmingly ; (walks up 
and down rapidly and rubbing his hands) my star is in the 
ascendency. I see the name of Pufi"er floating on banners in 
the sky. I hear the sound of trumpets that are heralding to 
the world that the long expected coming man has come, and 
that his name is Puffer. Puffer ! yes ! Everything goes on 
swimmingly. I am to realize, let me see — what am I to re- 
alize ? (Pulls out small book and reads.) Ah, here is the bill 
of items : " For marrying off this idiot of a Captain to good 
advantage, £i,ooo from his father. For securing the hand of 
the aforesaid idiot of a Captain to Miss Angeline Podger, 
£500 from her mother. Ah, there is nothing like a specula- 
tive turn of mind, especially when it promises " big results." 
Yes, then I shall advance the utility of my Darwinian theory, 
and the name of Pufter shall be legion, and heralded over the 
universe as the coming man to save the country and reform 



17 

the people. I should be the happiest man alive ! "Ves, I 
must settle this business at once. Delays are dangerous ; I 
will go and find a minister and settle this matrimonial affair 
right away. Tliie Captain shall marry Miss Angeline and de- 
part on his wedding tour at once. (Going off.) Oh, if I can 
only find a minister. [Exit in haste D. C. 

(Spindle's voice heard ouside — Where, oh where is he ?) 

Enter Spindle, D. C, Jmr-riedly and excited. 
Spindle — Oh, if I could only find that Captain, the de- 
stroyer of my peace, the villain who has crossed my love ! 
(Walks rapidly up and down, making gestures as if punching 
an imaginary being.) Where can he be ? I'll punch his head. 
May be he is in here ; (goes to door L. Fll search every nook 
and corner till I find him. [Exit D. L., as 

Ente7- Captain, statnping and looking about hurriedly. 
Captain (D. C.) — Where is the wretch? Where has he 
gone? I thought I heard the voice of Spindle here ! Oh, if 
I could only find him, (Strides up and down rapidly.) And 
if he refuses to hear my pleadings, and insists on marrying 
my Miranda, I'll punch his head ; I'll challenge him to mortal 
combat. Oh, I must find him ; I cannot wait any longer ! 
Perhaps he may be with her now, pouring into her ears his 
vile love. I will fly to her rescue and drive the monster from 
her sight ! [Rushes off, as 

Enter Spindle D. C, and both come together. Spindle push- 
ing the Captain aside, and looks at hi?n with conte?npt. 

Captain (angry) — Well, sir, are you aware that I am in no 
mood for any nonsense ? 

Spindle (indignant) — Well, sir, are you aware I was about 
to ask the same question of you, sir? And furthermore, while 
you are here, I would say that if you persist in your attentions 
to Miss Podger, when you understand my position and the 
adoration I have tor her, I shall be under the necessity of 
pulli'^^ vour nose ! 



18 



Captain (threatening) — And I shall exchange the compli- 
ment by spinning you on the point of my sword ! 

Spindle (sharply) — Very good, sir ; we may as well settle 
this affair at once, sir. Sword, pistols, or any weapon you 
choose. 

Captain (condescending) — I shall only be too happy to 
accommodate you. (Gets two foils and places them on the 
table.) There, sir, you may take your choice. (Pulls off his 
coat and places it on a chair. Spindle does the same, and 
places his coat on another chair, near the Captain's. Both 
take a foil and commence fencing about, making thrusts at 
each other as comical as possible. Captain knocks the foil 
from Spindle's hand ; Spindle falls on one knee ; Captain 
makes a thrust as if to finish him) as 

Enter Miranda, D. R., hurriedly. 

Miranda (in great alarm) — Fly, fly, Captain ! the minister 
is waiting, and Puffer is looking all over for you, to marry you 
to my sister Angeline ! (Suddenly picks up Spindle's £oat, 
throws it over the Captain, and hurries him off D. L., leaving 
Spindle dumbfounded.) 

Spindle (confused)— What does this mean ? Oh, I see k 
all ; slie said the minister was waiting to marry him to my 
Angeline ! Oh, this must not be ; I must prevent it at all 
hazard ! Where is my coat ? (Discovers his coat is gone.) 
Ah, the Captain has taken my coat in mistake. There's not 
a moment to be lost ; I must away. (Puts on Captain's coat, 
runs to the mirror and arranges necktie,) as 
Enter quickly PuFFER. 

Puffer (in a great bluster, D. R., looks off D. C.)— Where 
is he ? Where is that stupid Captain ? (Discovers Spindle, 
goes to him quickly and takes him by the arm.) Come with 
me at once, not a moment is to be lost ; you are to marry Miss 
Awgeline, and the minister is waiting. (Hurries him off D. C.) 

Spindle (aside) — By Jove, he takes me for the Captain! 
And I am to marry Angeline ! [Both exit. 



10 

(Loud knocking is heard outside D, L., as if some one was 
trying to break in the door. The door suddenly flies open 
with a crashing noise.) 

Enter Captain. 

Captain (rushing in, stamping, and looking wild about) — 
Where is he ? Where's that Spindle ? Ah, he's gone ; he's 
fled ! Oh, why was I interrupted in this combat ! and at the 
very time I was about to annihilate him, and rid this earth of 
his vile presence ! Perhaps he has fled with Miranda ! Why 
did she lock me in that room ? No ! She told me that she 
would be true to me, and that I must see her father. (Enter 
Podger, D. R.) Ah, her father comes ! I must try and com- 
pose myself, and then I will speak to him. (Goes to mirror 
and arranges his toilet. j 

Podger — Now I hope my wife is satisfied. She has mar- 
ried off Angeline to the Captain. Yes, she has out-generaled 
me, and captured the very man that I intended for Miranda 
to marry. (Discovers the Captain.) Hello ! there's that 
Spindle, who was to marry my daughter Angeline if the Cap- 
tain hadn't been in the way. Now I will just have a talk 
with him, and may be I can make a match with him and 
Miranda, and if I can arrange it I will settle the business at 
once and relieve myself of this matrimonial responsibility as 
quick as possible. (Goes to Captain.) I say, Spindle, my 
boy, I have been thinking very seriously of your attentions to 
my daughter Miranda. 

Captain (surprised) — I beg pardon, Mr. Podger. I — (in- 
terrupted by Podger) 

Podger — Now, don't deny it, my boy. Do you think I 
am blind, and can't see anything? 

Captain (aside — Well, he certainly is very blind if he takes 
me for Mr. Spindle.) I beg pardon, Mr. Podger, but you are 
mistaken in the — (interrupted by Podger) 

Podger — Mistaken ! Why, my dear boy, what is the use 
of talking that way ! You know my daughter Miranda thinlcs 
a great deal of you, and I have no doubt you do of her ! 



m 



Captain — ^Yoiir daughter Miranda ! Mr. Podger, 1 must 
say to you that I love and adore her with all my heart, and 
would marry her at any moment had I your consent. 

Podger — Bravo, my boy ! Spoken like a man, and I ad- 
mire you ; and, to cut a long story short, you have my full 
consent. The minister has just married my daughter Angeline 
to the Captain, and if you are willing we can make a double 
wedding and unite you with my daughter Miranda, and settle 
the business at once. 

Captain (amazed) — Your daughter Angeline married to the 
Captain ! What captain ? 

Podger — Why, Captain Primrose, of course ! 

Captain — The deuce you say ! (Aside — I wasn't aware of 
it before ! Confound it, what does this mean?) I beg par- 
don, Mr. Podger, but I don't — (interrupted by Podger) 

Podger — Oh, come now ; you are not going to say you 
don't want to marry Miranda, when I know you do ! 

Captain — Miranda ! I will marry her this very moment if 
you are willing ! But — 

Podger (aside — I'll seize on the opportunity at once and 
marry him to Miranda, or he may change his mind.) Come 
along, my boy. (Takes Captain by the arm and hurries him 
off.) There's no but's about it ! Everything shall be satis- 
factorily arranged ! You shall see Miranda at once, pop the 
question, and the minister shall marry you in a jiffy ! 

Captain (aside — Confound it ; he takes me for Spindle, 
and he won't give me a chance to explain.) The fact is, Mr. 
Podger, I am not — (interrupted by Podger) 

Podger — Yes, you are ! There's no need of any excuses 
You look good enough ! So come right along, and no further 
nonsense ! [Both exit, D. R. 

Enter Puffer, <.« wild excitement. 

Puffer — There's something rotten in Denmark ! Yes, I 
am ruined. There's some foul plot ! The minister has made 
a blunder and married the wrong couple, and all my hopes 



21 

are blasted ! Othello's occupation's gone ! My dream of love 
is o'er ! Oh, where are the bright visions that I pictured to 
myself? The glory and magnitude of my reputation ! The 
immortal name of Puffer ! Oh, Puffei", Puffer, you will puff 
no more ! The boiler has busted, and all yonr fond hopes 
are a total wreck ! Oh, life is all a blank to me ! (Falls in a 
chair.) Yes, I will end my existence ! I will poison myself 
with this bottle of ink ! (Takes bottle of ink from table) as 

Enter Caftain and Miranda, Spindle and Angeline, Mr. 
and Mrs. Podger. All form atvtmd Puffer. 

Captain (goes to Puffer) — Why. what's the matter. Puffer? 

Puffer — I've swallowed a bottle of ink, that you may dip 
your pen in my mouth and write to the world my pedigree — 
the history of a blighted ambition, of an abused genius, who, 
by circumstances over which he had no control, has become 
crushed in his stupendousness just at the very moment of 
success and certainty of "big results !" 

Captain (sympathizingly) — Never mind Puffer ; it's all 
right. You shall still live to carry out your stupendous ideas 
with " big results," and be happy evermore. 

Puffer (rising) — What's that you say ? I shall still live to 
carry out my plans and be happy ! 

Captain — Yes. Though you have been disappointed this 
time in your attempt to accomplish "big results:" there is just 
as much chance now as ever of your getting the thousand 
pounds for marrying me off to a good advantage, providing 
you still remain friendly to us all ; and don't forget that this 
is the happiest day or my life, and also of my friend, and, 
although married in mistake, we neither regret the circumstance 
or the choice we each have made in a wife of these AWFUL 
GIRLS. 

Curtain, 



22 



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OPTGr :^oc>xs.s. 



1. Jenny HuKlies' Dolly Varden. 

2. Squeeze Me, Joe. 

3. Johnny Wild's Dat Settles Dat. 

4. Jennie Engle's Grand Parade. 

5. Sheridan & Mack's Character. 

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53. Alice Harrison's Olympic. 

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56. Alice Bennett's Laughing Eyes. 

57. Richmond Sister's Challenge Song and Dance. 
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59. Dr. J. L. Thayer's Laugh and Grow Fat, &c. 

60. Sheridan & Mack's Knocking on de Outside, &c. 

61. Harrigan & Hart's Gallant 69th. 

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63. Delehanty & Cummings' Sunset in the South. 

64. Rollin Howard's Dramatic. 

65. C. L Davis' Dutch Song and Dance. 

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67. Sam Devere's Caricature Song. 

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75 T. M. Hengler's Sweet Aleen. 

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86. Foster & Dudley's Irish Clog. Song and Dance. 



87. The Brabam's Vocal Character Sketch. 

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




J 016 103 941 A # 

101. H. Osborne's & F. Wentworth's Lad & Lass, &c. 

102. Johnson & Bruno's Just from Tennessee. 

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104. Fov Siste>s' Branigau Band. 

105. Harrigan & Hart's S. O. T. 

106. Niles & Evans' Two Love Letters. 

107. Arnold Brothers' Triple Clog, Song and Dance. 

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110. Harry Braham's Silly Bill and Father. 

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117 Murray's Old and Young. 

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147. Delehantv & Hengler's Strawberries and Cream. 

148. Fields & Hoey Musical Songster. 

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153. Harrigan & Hart's Isle de Blackwell. 
154 Bobby Newcomb's Sweet Forget uie Not. 

155. H. Osborne & F. Wentworth's Irish Comedian. 

156. Duncan Sisters' Down in the Meadows. 

157. Andy and Annie Hugjies Happy Irish Couple. 

158. Roliert McKay's Since der Band was Broken up. 
169. Will H Morton's America's Comique. 

160. J. K Emmet's Lullaby. 

161. Pat Roonev's Day I Played Base Ball 

162. Seaiiion & SommeVs' Hip. Lit. Chil. from the So. 

163. Queen & West's Popular Songster. 

164. Bennett's Combination. 

165 Pat Roonev's Day I Walked O'Leary. 

166. Barlow Brothers' Cabin Floor 

167. Harrigan & Hart's Such an Education, Ac. 

168. Delehanty & Hengler's Laugh and Be Merry. 

169. Jennie Hughes' Cash, Cash Songster. 

170. Goss & Fox Jubilee Songster. 

171. Flora Moore's Just Over Songster. 

172. Foley & Sheffer's Big Pound Cake Songster 



A. J. FISHER, PUBLISHER, 24 VESEY STREET, N. Y. 



